Rob sends an e mail:
"Hey man, Happy V. Day"
I reply:
"(thinking V. Day is celebrated in June) Why? What happened today? This is why I should watch the news. What got blown up?"
Rob responds:
"Valentine's...dumass".
I reply:
"Well that's relief...Look at you getting all soft sending me an abbreviated electronic Valentine. Sorta makes all that illicit non committal sex we've had seem sorta dirty."
Rob Responds:
"You're an asshole"
I reply:
"Cheese and crackers, I'm just joshing".
Rob does not reply:
I reply:
"Well you're mad. I guess I'll hear from you in a few weeks when you're pussy gets good and hungry".
Rob does not reply:
I reply:
"Are you really mad? Don't be silly man. I'm just fucking with you".
Rob does not reply:
I reply:
"Hey give me your number so I can call you and apologize...I lost it again".
Rob replies
"You really r an asshole."
I reply:
"Don't be a little bitch just give me your number".
Rob replies with both his cel and home #'s. If Christmas were this easy, why I'd celebrate it every year.
___________________________________________________________________________
SCENE 2:
Like Mother Like Daughter
(dinnertime on the phone with my two-year old nephew)
John: ...And chicken strips!
Me: Who taught you to say strips and not fingers?
John: And chicken STRIPS!
Me: Your father's indoctrinating you with product suspcion. You realize that don't you John.
John: (to his mother but into the receiver) I don't want anymore.
Me: John you know that Uncle Jim sells advertising in his spare time. So as a favor to Uncle Jim just say Chicken nuggets or fingers.
John: Uh hunh.
Me: Ok John, give mom the phone.
John: I love you Uncle Jim.
Me: Oh John....that phrase is copyrighted by the people at Hallmark. Did you know that?
silence
Me: Give mom the phone.
Carol: Hello (chewing)
Me: I didn't mean to interrupt Shabbas or whatever it is you people do on Mondays I just wanted to wish John a happy Valentine's day.
Carol: That was sweet of you. Do you have a Valentine's date.
Me: Ummm... no. I think I blew the opportunity for a 'date' via e mail this morning.
Carol: Well did you see the news about the killer strain of Aids.
Me: Good God Carol!
Carol: It develops in months instead of years.
Me: Why are you telling me this?
Carol: (with a mouthful of chicken strips) I just didn't want you to be depressed that you didn't have a date.
Me: You know I saw a documentary where a guy in Cracow said that if the jews came back they'd do it all over again.
Carol: That's a horrible thing to say.
Me: What? I thought we were sharing current events.
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