WARNING!!!
This is a monologue.
It is meant to be performed (ugh).
It is about New Jersey.
Eventually everything will be about New Jersey.
If you are a movie starlet feel free to use this as an audition piece.
If you are a struggling actress* DO NOT use this piece in auditions.
There are far too many struggling actresses* and the piece will be in danger of being overdone.
Struggling actresses* will do this piece poorly.
It is too close to the vest for struggling actresses*.
Struggling actresses* may not use this piece.
* Struggling Actresses taller than 4'10'' but no higher than 5'1'' and from Delaware may do this piece with prior written consent.
(It is not ok to contact the author to use this piece in auditions if you are a struggling actress* who does not meet the above requirements.)
AS THE SCENE BEGINS WE FIND OUR HEROINE WITH HER HANDS CUFFED BEHIND HER BACK. SHE IS ALONE ONSTAGE. SHE MUST MIME (!) BEING SHOVED INTO THE BACK OF A POLICE CRUISER. THE SCENE TAKES PLACE IN BEACHWOOD NEW JERSEY IN THE PARKING LOT OF GRUMPY’S PUB ON ROUTE 9. SHE IS DISTRAUGHT AND HIGH. SHE WEARS VERY TIGHT ACID WASH JEANS AND A ACID WASH INSULATED DENIM JACKET TO MATCH. BENEATH THE JACKET IS A WELL WORN SWEATSHIRT WITH A FADED LOGO. HER HAIR IS AN ANCIENT GROWN-OUT PERM. IT HANGS VERY STRAIGHT EXCEPT AT THE ENDS WHICH ARE BLOND AND WHOOSHY. SHE SPEAKS WITH A VERY DISTINCT SOUTH JERSEY TWANG.
I don’t believe this. Just let me say goodbye to my kids. Let me say goodbye. Please. Please just let me say goodbye to my kids. I aint gonna do nothing to piss you off. Those are my kids man. Please. (she is being forced into the seat) Bye babies! You love me right? You love mommy right T.J., right Brittany? Oh man! Why are you guys doing this? Why am I being arrested? I love you babies. T.J. you’re in charge . You and Brittany gotta watch the twins…. I wasn’t selling nothing. (sees richie with her children) Richie you asshole!...Oh please let me say goodbye. Why are you doing this to me?...I love you babies…Man atleast cuff me in the front so I can have a cigarette. Could you cuff me in front please? (calling to her friend) Tanya! Tanya, T.J. needs his asthma medicine. I left his puffer in my purse. It’s in the bar..I love you Teej…Richie , you asshole… God man , my kids need me…Can I have a cigarette? Could you cuff me in front? ( they are pulling away)…Oh shit, Tanya, the twins formula! Tanya!…Shit I forgot I ran out of formula…(she watches the scene fade as they drive away)
Oh Richie, you are such an asshole. I can’t believe you did this... The only reason he even called you guys is because his mommy told him to. She’s a bitch. She hates me. Fuck her. She got so high and mighty ever since she got cancer. Cancer. So what? You got cancer? Good. Serves you right. Pain in my friggin ass. She acts like no one ever got cancer before. (shouting out the window) I’m gonna laugh at your funeral bitch! I postponed my wedding three times because of her cancer. I still aint married…Man if I don’t have a cigarette, I’m gonna be sick.
Look I admit I smoke pot. But I don’t smoke crack. I was holding it for my friend Tanya. Tanya smokes crack. Tanya is a huge crackhead. Tanya smokes crack all the time. She don’t got kids. I got four kids man. I aint gonna smoke crack with four kids. Honest to God. I do not smoke crack. Seriously…But Tanya does. Tanya’s crazy with crack. Richie got her on it. When he left me two years ago he started screwing my BEST FRIEND CRACKHEAD TANYA! Man, Richie was buck wild with crack. He hooked Tanya on it. He should be here not me. Richie is crack daddy crack…I need a smoke. Can you cuff me in front please?
I don’t believe this is happening. Twelve steps my fat twat! Oh yeah all of a sudden he's clean. Yeah right. He’s just doing this to fuck with me, because I won’t take him back. So he wants the kids. Which is a big fucking laugh because I don’t even know if the twins are his. ..It’s his mother too. ..Fat assed radiation bitch is gonna fuck my kids up the same way she fucked up Richie….Look that wasn’t my stuff. Am I going to jail? Oh I am gonna KICK Tanya’s ass. I’m gonna KICK her ass. She fucking called you guys right?I was only in the bar for like ten minutes. Fifteen minutes. I left the truck running with the heater on. Everybody kept buying me beers and I realized I shouldn’t drive so I was calling my brother to come and get me…us. I checked on them. I aint a bad mother, and I didn’t smoke all…any of that crack. I got four kids man...Who called you anyway? Fucking Richie pussy baby Richie, right? See he knew where I was cause he’s stalking me. I wanna put a restraining order on him and that mother of a cancer bitch…Fuck this. I’m going to jail. I can’t believe this. I have to work tomorrow. Fuck me.
Tanya, is such a bitch. She’s doing this to get at me. She wants Richie. She always did. She wants my kids , my man, my whole fucking life. And now she’s gonna get it because you’re locking me up. I can’t wait to kick her ass. She’s been fucking with my head for like five years now. When I was pregnant with T.J. and Richie took off, Tanya got all fucking weird on me. She was like lezbo or something. One night she got me really drunk….She’s a lezbo psycho. I’m not into any queer shit, but she kept getting me drunk, “Come on, let’s go out”. And then Richie comes back and Tanya tells him that we fooled around which we didn’t, and he wants to do some group scene shit. And I’m like “fuck that”. And then she turns around and marries Paulie! Paulie? Who fucking knew? Paulie is such a loser. She keeps running to me with her little problems “Paulie’s never home, he’s always at work”, “Paulie went to the emergency room cause he collapsed” . Well Paulie never eats. He’s like a fucking skeleton who never talks and who’s like invisible…Fucking Tanya. I shoulda let her have Richie. They’re both freaky fucking losers. Richie used to want to do freaky shit in bed. It would curl your toes man. He liked to get dressed up in army like camouflage and sneak around the house. He used to beg me to do this scene where he catches me changing… He’s into some violent shit, man. I bet Tanya would let him rape her. She’d fucking love it. I don’t want my kids in that environment . Call Children’s Services and tell them that my kids are with a soldier of fortune crackhead, wife-raper. Him and that sick bitch Tanya and Grandma Cancer Ass who's scaring the shit outta my kids right now with her big bald head and her pale fucking face.
Why are we stopping?…Oh , 7 Eleven. Can you get me some smokes? Please? Officer would you get me some smoke? I’ll pay you back. Hello? (to remaining officer) What is he deaf ? That was really rude. He just pretended like he didn’t even hear me. What is he doing? Is he getting smokes ? A sandwich? You guys must get hungry. Tough job arresting women and pulling their kids out of their arms. Must work up a man’s appetite …Hey I used to work at a 7 Eleven. I used to give cops free shit all the time.(leaning forward and flirting) I even dated a cop once. He was kind of a pig but he always had the best pot. His pot was always rock on holy shit.. .Hey I know you. I do. You’re Tommy Scott. You’re Debbie Scott’s little brother. You’re little Tommy Scott. Holy shit. Tommy, your sister and I used to cut school together in the sixth grade. Wow fat Tommy Scott all grown up. You’re a cop? Tattle tale Tommy became a cop. You were always telling on us for smoking in the back yard. Wow Tommy Scott….. I’m really sorry about your sister. That must have been really tough on you. You were like 6 when she died, right?...Oh my God, I remember the day she disappeared. We were in the Eighth Grade and it was Christmas break and we were sledding on that big hill behind the school. I went home early but she was still there with Stacey Keens and Tammy Griffin and some older guys from the High School. And then that guy just drove by and grabbed her from the side of the road when they were walking home. I remember when they found her body like two weeks later on the parkway in the snow and all the News channels were there. They never found that sick son of a bitch……Tommy Scott. Wow. Hey you’re not fat anymore. ..Hey remember that time when Sherri Applegate’s Mom killed her Grandmother and stuffed her in that storage place for like four months? (first cop returns) Hey this is Tommy Scott we’re old friends. I used to play hooky with his big sister before she got murdered…Small world…
Hey Tommy, what do you say we swing by and pick up that crackface, homewrecking, lezbo bitch Tanya ? You know Tommy , Tanya was there that day too. Tanya used to hang out with us all the time. But Tanya didn’t like your sister. Tanya was really jealous of Debbie. Your sister was always so nice to Tanya, but Tanya hated Debbie. When Debbie disappeared Tanya was like “Good”. She said that Debbie was a whore anyway and she probably ran away from home. Tanya’s always been a real bitch. Come on Tommy, let’s go pick up Tanya and kick her ass!
Debbie Scott. I miss Debbie. I still think about her. I always thought that if Debbie didn’t die my life would be totally different. She was so nice that she made you want to be nice too... She told me that she wanted me to be her best friend (runs this particular moment through her mind)... We both wanted to be veterinarians. I remember you guys had all those rabbits in your backyard. She would let me help her feed them. I wasn’t allowed to have pets. Once though I had a parakeet named Jojo and he got out and was flying around the house and my mother was trying to chase him back in the cage with a fly swatter, and he flew into the window and broke his neck. You have to be careful with birds around windows. They’re so stupid. And they're dirty. Dirty birds.
I don’t believe I’m going to jail. I’m not Susan Smith. I didn’t drown the little bastards. The heater was on. ..Richie got me smoking that shit anyway. He said he got it for his mother cause it helps her cancer. He didn’t tell me it was crack. Oh her fucking cancer! She’s had cancer for four years now! She’s not human. She keeps going and going. Even if I liked her, I’d be fed up by now. If I have to drop everything and pick that bitch up from one more Doctor's appointment...Everything with her is cancer. When T.J. and Brittany stay at her house, they play doctor. Except they call it Oncology. “We’re playing Oncology mommy !” She got all this medical shit everywhere and that house smells like piss and it freaks me out. They find make believe lumps and they do like pretend biopsies and they test them. If you’re lucky you die right away. But if not you have to live with Grandma on the couch and where a kerchief on your head for the whole night, and rub her feet… What's fucked up about the game though is that no matter what you always get cancer.You can't win this fucking game. She's a spooky bitch. She’s right about one thing though. We're all gonna get cancer. It’s floating around in the air. Everyone around here is getting brain cancer. I swear I think it’s from the radios. There ought to be a law against them because they got all these radio signals bouncing all around us. Going right through our heads. And we don’t even know it. I don’t even listen to the radio. It’s all noise anyway. That’s what those cysts are , little pockets of noise. It’s all crap and commercials and disco. And it gets in your body and it starts telling your body lies. And then your body betrays you. Like Tanya! And you wind up like cancer lady and you make everyone miserable…Can you blame me for a little smoke? I would never let my kids smoke. And I stopped breast feeding the twins. I just can’t be on top of everything all the fucking time all right?
I need a cigarette and I have to pee. And when we get there I want to see a doctor, because I think you cracked my ribs man. Why did you have to tackle me? I was cooperating, I just wanted to say goodbye to my babies. I hoped you haven’t fucked them up for life. How would you like it if a two hundred pound cop started slapping your mother around. Those kids had to watch that, thanks to you two. Thanks a lot officers..(holding her ribs) Oh , I have to pee. Man I think you really broke my ribs. You guys gotta take me to the emergency room. I can hardly breathe. You ruptured something. And I have to pee really bad. You don’t fucking care…I’m gonna sue you guys. I’m suing the township. Ow , I need medical attention. I’m gonna file a report, tough guy. You two are in real trouble. The least you could do is give me a cigarette…Oh well it doesn’t matter. Don’t give me a smoke and don’t stop to let me pee. Don’t bother. It doesn’t matter cause I’m gonna sue the fuck out of you, the township, the state, that fucking bar. And when I’m finished I’m gonna take my fucking money and my fucking kids, and move out of this fucking town. And Tanya can have Richie, and Grandma can finally drop dead and you two can go fuck each other. And I’m pissing all over your back seat (kicking the seat in front of her) Ha, ha, ha!
(after a long pause) Man Debbie had it easy . You know Tommy, Debbie was golden. She was still a kid . She was pretty and she was young, and she was laughing so much on that day she died. I wish I was Debbie. She’s stuck somewhere laughing and pretty and in the Eighth Grade. All of her clothes fit, and she eats whatever she wants, and she thinks she knows who she can trust. And she still has secrets, and she still draws horses on everything , and she's still scared of her period. And she loves the right people just enough and hates the rest because they’re queer. And she gets whatever she wants and she doesn’t have cancer , and she still has a chance.
I wish I was Debbie Scott. ….(kicking the seat) Shut up Tommy! Get out of my room you little jerk…(looking out the window)You’re my best friend…….Are we there yet?
END
