Bernard: what up bitch?
me: good day bad day big day gay day
me: can I PLEASE come over and eat your hole?
Bernard: Lovely, just lovely
me: seriously dude...
I want YOU today.
I need someplace good and warm and decent and loving and hot
youd be doing a mitzvah
Bernard: FUNNY, BUT i'M NOT JEWISH
oops, caps
me: youre being coy
big goy
Bernard: indeed I am, a big gay goy
what's the matter, you having a bad day?
me: no just realizing that desire and need is not be ashamed of
me: that being a man isnt measured by what you can endure but rather what you can engage
Bernard: hmm, not sure i understand that last part
me: i told myself many years ago that a man is a rock
that he keeps himself to himself that he is constant and immovable in his honor and intent
that a real man should stand alone
i told myself a lie
I should rather be
an iceberg
massive
and moving
Bernard: it's like a poem
me: and today I need to lay next to someone whom
I can trust
me: then I dont know what..
to do with my head and my heart
im a little pumped
on adrenaline
the adrenaline
of anxiety
the anxiety of waking up late in life
everyday in little ways
Bernard: did something happen to you on the fourth?
me: nothing
the direct result of my efforts
Bernard: just woke up today and feel anxious?
me: what happens to me what has happened to me is suddenly so irrelevant
no...i spoke my peace today
and it feels awful
and ok at the same time
i'm unused to behaving this way
Bernard: who did you speak your peace to?
Philip?
me: your not very quick on the upswing dear boy
yes philip...and God and any other whore tuned into
the channel of my current tantrum
Bernard: Oh, well...you sound relativiely ok though
me: dont be so careful
i dont break easily
Bernard: you can actually call me on the telephone if you want to talk
me: its so much easier to own these thoughts as they are written
I TALK alot of shit
Bernard: indeed
don't we all
me: and I have shame around communicating
i wanna run run run and not ever turn back today
Bernard: Yeah, I understand that feeling
me: not from dear but toward
i deserve a clean slate
things have been changing
Bernard: hard to find a clean slate, esp around NYC
me: i have been changing and denying it all along
of all the irrelevancy around me nyc is the very least thing of import
it is a beacon to everyone with a big idea about being seperate
its every poser
and sneak thief
and pussy
I'll move to ny and in the center of all physcical gravity I'll get lost
most importantly to myself
Bernard: yeah, that's what it's good for
me: its hard trusting people who have chosen to come here
its hard trusting oneself amid the throngs
how applicable
how much of a sneak thief am I
Bernard: not sure i understand that
me: thieving time from others as i cast them into
the abyss of my own bullshit
how cheap am i
truly cheap
and i pick on indigents and borderline cases
because i'll never lose
Bernard: sounds very self aware
me: except in the end when i realize how much time ive stolen
from my more profound self
Bernard: tell me about it
me: and the price that others have to pay to play that game with me
Bernard: I know all about losing time form onesself
me: we are all of us kings
pedigreed
we are all of us perfect
why then is it so hard to remember that in between the hours we spend asleep
Bernard: and imperfect
hard to say-everything else gets in the way, or we put it there
me: life doesnt ask much from any of us
it is impartial
it will be complicit in our self destruct
and equally
amenable
to our soaring
Bernard: life's what you make it
me: thats the point
the real work
all the work every single moment
and line
and breath is
self generated
every heartsickness is a pox visited on onesself
me: and conversley every joy is a meaure
of how awake one is
life is indeed what you make it
and art
can be
a lie
i have had a moment or two recently
wherein ART
my art
has revealed itself to be half the problem
a hiding
me: the sensitive expressive and artistic child
is in a way
coping
learning to live within
within an alternate reality
as a means of survival
it is invaluable
as a way of life I fear
it is a means of escape and abnegation
Im very much feeling
disconnected with my
art
in these days especially when it has begun to PAY
Bernard: well, art is commerce, if you're lucky...
me: but it doesnt take the place of BEING
Bernard: true, it shouldn't
me: and mustnt one so cursed with the capacity to communicate
through art
Bernard: but it does for many
me: mustnt one so blighted learn a balance?
Bernard: it's hard for a lot of people to balance anything
let alone creativity and life
the lucky ones can
me: that place
because it exists in the brain
it actually exists and can be charted
that place in some of us has been the main conduit of our experience and communication
it has swelled disproportionatley among all the other planes in our consciouness
and today
I just want stick my cock in someone i love
and quiet that foul patch in my head
Bernard: yeah, but that never really works does it
me: but it does
mind you
i said someone i love
it is a stitch one stitch in a hemming
Bernard: even then it can be an escape
me: or it can be an arrival
i have loved you on twenty years now
filial
romantic
it ebbs and flows
but i trust you enogh
to know the difference between
escape and asylum
i love you
Bernard: true-love you too
me: there now
that feels better
Bernard: I'm good-relatively-
was real depressed last week, for a few days
mostly over my lack of direction
and joblessness
but feeling better these last few days
Had a great talk with Sally thursday night
me: it must be difficult
to step aside and trust
Bernard: she's a good friend, but not as invoolved in my life as others so she's a good sounding board
me: to stop the forward motion of work and let someone else demonstrate their level of understnading
and commitment
Bernard: sure is-even though I hated the job, it's weird to suddenly be so untethered
and have almost no responsibilities
me: its a gift
that you have earned
Bernard: yeah, I know
I need to start getting it together, though
me: and finally allowing yourself to simply feel the confusion was inevitable
Bernard: I know, I'm much more used to having so much to do on any day
now I have very little to do, and so much time to do it in
and i need to take better advantage of that
me: so then you see how much energy it took in simply avoiding your desires
gently though
compassionately
youve worked so hard
and this last year it was made clear to you
that no one appreciated those efforts
not work and
not larry
until you shook him awake
me: that must have been a kick in the balls
me: ...for you YOU
he didnt have balls
until you taught him
what they were
Bernard: funny
yeah things have changed
which is nice
nice to be able to relax a bit
me: which is a measure of YOU
and your efforts
but then allow yourself
if you can
to really relax
in the confines of the trust that you have built
Bernard: I know, i know-I need to devote more effort to myself, not just my relationship
me: less effort
more breath
me: can you be trusted with effort
careful
old habits
me: just be and breathe
and let larry do the grunt work and learn another thing or two from this new chapter of your life
me: really?
then say it to him
Bernard: you said it, not me
me: say it to him
you are in this your convalescing
incubating
a whole new wonderful opportunity
to love
and be loved
he should be sweating with anticipation from the stone inside you turning into
a diamond
me: that is your due
it is all of our due
me: to be honored and adored
Bernard: so what else are you doing today
other than philosophizing?
me: and i have to take a shit now
Bernard: lovely, like a poet, as always
I am going to go to the cooper Hewitt museum tomorrow, if you want to go
me: id rather visit your pooper hewiit Museum if you please
me: i think tomorrow is a morning visit with family
but my evening is free...yours?
me: the one that did this to me
me: THIS!
Bernard: not sure about the pm-call me tomorrow
me:will do...must poo...love you
Sent at 11:50 AM on Wednesday
Bernard: it's too early for you to be so drunk
